the unwritten rule of choosing community
While everybody wants their life to go well, many young people don’t know how to make sure that happens. You focus on going to the right college, landing a great job, and moving to a fun city, but none of those things are as important as the community you choose to be a part of.
It’s easy to obsess over the ‘big’ choices in your twenties, but then forget that the people you live with, work with, and hang out with are the ones who will influence your life the most. Because of that, you need to learn this unwritten rule of community:
You create your community, and then your community creates you.
You need to take responsibility for choosing the right community, because these are the people who will create the person you become, either for good or bad.
the effects of this rule
When I moved to New York City, I didn’t fully understand this. Sure, I knew not to hang out with the wrong crowd, but I didn’t realize how important it was to create the right crowd. That’ s the key. You can’t be passive when it comes to making friends.
I was, so I ended up hanging out with whomever was around or reached out to me. While this isn’t always bad, being passive means you just have to take what you can get, rather than reaching out to the more quality people who are often not in as much of a need for friends.
Because I just hung out with whomever was around, I ended up in a community that didn’t value many of the things that I did. I wasn’t too worried at first, since I thought I could hold my own. If anyone was going to be doing the influencing, it would be me towards them.
But that’s not how humans work. Individuals almost never change groups. You’ll always adapt yourself to fit in and become like the people around you. You can’t NOT do it.
Every community is its own microculture, with unique views about money, sex, work, time, alcohol, and God. And as approval-seeking beings, we all tend to adapt to our peers in order to be accepted and keep the peace. Because of that, how your friends, roommates, and coworkers live and what they choose to value will rub off on you.
To put it simply: you’re friends values will always become your values. Not explicitly, and not all at once, but it will happen. No one will ever directly tell you to change, they’ll just subtly goad you to go along. Eventually the subtle comments and gentle teasing will wear you down:
Quit being such a bore; live a little!
It’ll be okay if you skip once; it’ll still be there next week.
It’s just one more round; everybody else is staying.
You might be able to resist these for a while, but eventually you’ll get tired of holding out and you’ll adjust your behavior until you fit in.
The Apostle Paul says we shouldn’t be surprised by this. He writes, “Do not be misled, bad company corrupts good character.” Who you spend your time around, and who you allow into your inner circle will influence your thoughts, values, and behaviors, on everything from Christianity to money to alcohol to your general outlook on life. This is how it always works, no matter how strong or independent you think you are.
After a year in my new community, I realized I was different, and not in a good way. I’d never decided to change, but among my new friends I’d drifted: I was drinking more alcohol, living above my means, and has let my relationship with God dry up.
how to create a healthy community
It was then I knew, I needed to find a new group, one that likewise would influence me, but towards healthy and holy behavior. Then, instead of passively accepting whomever was available for friends, I was more proactive in creating community, by asking myself:
Who do I want to be like?
As I asked myself that question, knowing that the community I created was going to change me for better or for worse, I set out to find a community that:
Prioritized following Jesus: healthy communities don’t just go to church, but prioritize their relationship with Jesus and following him, even over things like work, comfort, and having fun.
Could solve conflict, show grace, and work through problems: every community will have friction points, but the ones you want to be a part of are able to work through their problems and continue, or even strengthen, the relationships before they turn into major rifts.
Were generally emotional health: healthy communities are able to weather the ups and downs of life in healthy ways, rather than responding in unhealthy or destructive ways.
Showed wisdom: healthy communities possess an age-appropriate amount of wisdom, and generally make mature and responsible decisions about their lives. People don’t make decisions impulsively, but ask for advice and come to a wise choice.
On the flip side, I knew I wanted to stay away from communities that:
Were full of drama: some communities are in constant petty conflicts, which damages friendships and makes it hard to grow relationally.
Fixate on superficialities: some communities only engage on superficial topics, things like TV, gossip, or complaining about coworkers. This kind of culture will only cause you to stagnate.
Lacked financial discipline: some communities have a culture where many or most of the members are living beyond their means, which will cause you to do the same in an attempt to keep up.
Drink excessively: some communities take a good thing like alcohol and make it the main thing, drinking too often and too much. Most bad things in your twenties can be traced back to excessive drinking, so be careful who you spend your weekends with.
Little or no interest in God: lots of communities may consider themselves Christian or even go to church, but they aren’t interested and pursuing Jesus and become more like him.
Creating healthy community took time, effort, and patience, but it’s been so worth it in the years since. I’m now around people who are helping grow and improve in every area of life. No matter where you’re at today, whether it’s in a healthy community, toxic community, or no community at all, work towards creating the kind of community that will help you grow into the person you want to become.
