what to remember when you don’t get invited
Many people think that the gospel is an abstract idea that only impacts the big questions of life. But God cares about every part of life, and because of that, when properly understood, the gospel speaks to every aspect of our day-to-day lives. That’s why I’m going to do three posts here in December on how the gospel changes how we see parties and events. The first one is on invitations.
You’ve had that sinking feeling before, right? When you realize that you didn’t get invited to a party or event or hangout that everyone else did. Whether you saw it while scrolling through Instagram, overheard it from friends, or were left out of the post-event recaps, realizing that you weren’t invited to a party is never a fun feeling.
When that happens it’s so easy to let your mind fill up with self-doubt and spiral out of control: “Do they think I’m annoying? Am I not as cool as everyone else? Maybe people don’t want me around?” Everyone struggles with these questions when they don’t get an invite they were hoping to receive.
Having lived in New York City for the past seven years, I’ve had plenty of practice in handling not being invited to something. Between New York’s tiny apartments, crowded restaurants, and the fact that everything is expensive here, guest lists are always tight. And so as we head into the holiday season, I wanted to share a few things with you that I remember whenever I’m not invited to something.
1. remember that you can’t be close friends with everyone
The first thing I remind myself of is that I can’t be close friends with everyone so it’s okay if I’m not invited to their events. Life is full of limits and none of us have enough time or energy to be good friends with everyone around us. It’s unrealistic to be close enough friends to a wide group of people to always be able to expect an invite.
I read an insightful article from a sociologist in the New York Times about friend groups. She shared how we can only maintain a certain number of friendships in our lives. Most people can maintain an inner circle of four close friends, a middle circle of 10 great friends, and a general group of around 40 good friends. Her research showed that if you try to have more friends than these at each level, you’ll either run yourself ragged or the friendships will break down.
While you might disagree on the numbers, it’s a helpful principle for me to remember: I don’t have the capacity or ability to be friends with everyone! There are only 24 hours in a day and I only have so much physical and emotional energy. If this person only invited their 10 or 40 friends to something, it’s okay that I wasn’t included. It’s more important to invest in the people that you click within your circles of 4, 10, and 40 friends and build deep friendships with those people, even if it means you get fewer invites overall.
2. remember that each personality brings out different group dynamics
The second thing I remind myself of when I’m not invited to something is that different personalities bring out different group dynamics. Because I have a relatively strong personality and am fairly talkative, it’s often good for me to not be invited so that other people will feel more comfortable and open to sharing. My personality isn’t always the right mix for an event, so by not being there, it gives other people the opportunity to shine.
Personalities at a social occasion are like ingredients in a recipe: sometimes you need to leave some of the stronger ingredients out so that other, more gentle ingredients can be highlighted. While strong flavors like ginger or olives or habanero peppers are great, a good cook knows how to balance flavors and often leaves them out to let more delicate ingredients take center stage.
My personality and social gifts aren’t better or worse than anyone else’s, but they are different, so I need to remember that it’s often better for other people if it’s a smaller group or if I’m not there. We all have different social gifts and temperaments, so a wise host knows how personalities will interact and will strategically think about who would be a great fit for the other guests.
3. remember that you’ll never be liked by everyone
The third thing I remind myself of when I’m not invited to something is that no matter what I do, there will always be people that don’t care for me. It’s just the truth. No matter how hard you try, you just will never be able to make everyone like or think that you are fun or interesting. It’s impossible.
So often when we’re not invited to something, it’s easy to fall into self-doubt: “Why do they not like me? Am I not good enough for them? Do they find me boring?” Oftentimes, though, the problem isn’t with you but rather with their perceptions or ideas of you. Their issues, whether it’s petty differences, envy, stereotypes, over-sensitivity, or just plain miscommunication have caused the problem and not your personality.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t check for how your character flaws (we all have them!) might have hurt them, but you should be careful not to take on the issues of everyone who doesn’t like you. If you’ve done your best to engage, befriend, and take an interest in them, yet they are still chilly towards you, accept the situation and focus instead on people who do respond well to your friendliness.
4. remember that you are already invited to the ultimate party
The last thing I remind myself of when I’m not invited to something is that I have already been invited to the greatest party ever: the wedding feast of the Lamb! Jesus compares eternal life with God to a wedding feast over and over and invites each of us to this eternal party.
John picks this theme up in Revelation 19 when he writes about this feast:
Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:
‘Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.’
Then the angel said to me, ‘Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!’”
This is the ultimate thing to remember when you aren’t invited to some party or event: Jesus, the Son of God, thinks so much of you that He has invited you into His kingdom to spend eternity celebrating with Him in His new heavens and new earth. And He wanted you to be at His eternal party so badly that He came to earth and was crucified for your sin all so that He could extend an invitation to you.
As you remember this, you’ll realize that your value doesn’t come from who invites you to their parties, but rather from the fact that God has chosen you to spend eternity at the greatest party of all time. When you realize how deeply you are loved and wanted by God, then you don’t have to look to others and their invitations for your self-worth and sense of acceptance. Instead, think about the fact that you are so special to God that He put His plan of salvation into effect just so that He could spend eternity feasting with you.
It’s still disappointing to not be invited to an earthly party, but when you realize what’s ahead for you, you’ll see that these temporary events are just a small reflection of the glory to come in God’s kingdom.
so what now?
At this point, you might be saying, “Well that’s good news for future me, but what about right now? How do I revive my pulse-less social life?” As I go through life, I try to remind myself that God not only owns the cattle on a thousand hills but also controls the invites to a thousand parties. So often people are willing to trust God with the big things of life, like needing a new job or healing from being sick, but they don’t trust Him with their little concerns, like something to do on a Friday night.
But God cares about it all. He knows that you need friendship and community and He delights in giving His children good gifts. Because of that, as you love your neighbor and care about the people around you, you can trust that God will give you the invites that you need at exactly the right time. I’m not invited to everything, and never will be, but in God’s grace, He gives me the invites that I need.
